I winced as I read this.

“If you look around you at those who are most unhappy you’ll often find that they are the people who have a “starved” feeling in some way, and are therefore taking a very grasping posture towards life. They feel that life in general and other people in particular are not giving them what they need. It is as if they have a stranglehold on life, trying desperately to wring out the love and satisfaction they crave, yet actually choking off the supply. And many of us have a little of this tendency.”

YIKES!!!!

That was from Shakti Gawain’s amazing book “Creative Visualization”.

I gulped, maybe turned a little red in the face when I read that, because I know I’ve done that.

I remember 7 years ago when I was taking my second yoga certification at the Yoga Sanctuary in Toronto. Met a really cool group of people and struck up an instant friendship with one woman. We shared a kooky sense of humour, a pure love of yoga and yah, we were the only two smokers in the crowd.

After just meeting the guy who was to later become the love of my life (and still is), I was full of the womanly urge to SHARE; every single detail of what he said or did. And really, back then, I was having a hard time dealing with every thing he said or did. Middle aged romance is fraught with twists and turns of the sort that young lovers don’t experience. After a marriage or two, that’s when it all begins. When a guy or gal in their 40’s or 50’s walks up to your door  and they’re lurching a little to the left, it’s usually because of all the baggage they’ve accumulated along the way.  And I’m not talking Samsonite.

So here I was pouring out my hopes and tears to this new friend, because she was like a new sponge. It was exciting talking to someone new about old stories. She was soaking up all my trauma and drama. Until the day she had to squeeze herself out. It was too much. I was too much. And she basically walked away from me to save herself.

With the luxury of hindsight I can see what I was doing. My fella was driving me insane with his antics and I NEEDED a sounding board; I needed my new friend to tell me what I wanted to hear. I needed her sympathy. I needed her validation that I was a good woman and he was an insensitive man. I needed to get the despair out of me and onto someone else before I died from it. Or that’s what it felt like at the time.

God I feel so ashamed when I think of it now. You know how good this woman was? During the Northeast Blackout of 2003, she was the only person who was worried enough about me to do something about it. My parents and best friend were out of town; but none of my other friends, relatives or even the “guy” came to see how I was faring. She came down to Toronto to get me, so at least I could have a cool place to stay and something to eat while they worked on getting the hydro back. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago when my best friend did me the biggest favour in the world. She too had had enough of my whining and what if’s. Unlike my yoga friend, this girl had had to listen to me drone on about the guy for far longer. I rationalized it by making sure I always asked about her day first before exploding with my problems. I was always the first to call on birthdays; the first to knock at the door when she was sick so I could help; but the negative influence of my insatiable need to “share” was beginning to outweigh the positive aspects of my nature. She sat me down and forbade me to talk to her about him ever again. It was draining her.

That was the day two things happened. I learned: a) to talk to him about what was bothering me instead, and b) to accept him and love him just the way he was. What a world of difference that made; for me and for him. All that time I wasted on getting feedback from gal pals could have been spent nurturing my relationship.

I’m very lucky I have such a wise and forgiving friend. If she hadn’t had the courage to stand up for her peace of mind, if she hadn’t trusted me to learn from this experience, I might have lost her too. She taught me, as I now teach others, to “feed” myself instead of always starving for attention and sympathy.

And when you think about it, no one, absolutely no one can tell you how to live or love better than you. Friendship is not only an arrangement between two like-minded souls to spend time together having fun and supporting each other through “real” crises; but it’s also a beautiful gift that you can never afford to take for granted. Also, it is through the loving of a friend, that you learn to give back as much as you’ve been given. There will be no more “choking off the supply” of love and satisfaction as Shakti Gawain concludes, ” When we find that place within ourselves that is giving, we begin to reverse the flow.”

(for more info visit lindakaban.com)