I winced as I read this.

“If you look around you at those who are most unhappy you’ll often find that they are the people who have a “starved” feeling in some way, and are therefore taking a very grasping posture towards life. They feel that life in general and other people in particular are not giving them what they need. It is as if they have a stranglehold on life, trying desperately to wring out the love and satisfaction they crave, yet actually choking off the supply. And many of us have a little of this tendency.”

YIKES!!!!

That was from Shakti Gawain’s amazing book “Creative Visualization”.

I gulped, maybe turned a little red in the face when I read that, because I know I’ve done that.

I remember 7 years ago when I was taking my second yoga certification at the Yoga Sanctuary in Toronto. Met a really cool group of people and struck up an instant friendship with one woman. We shared a kooky sense of humour, a pure love of yoga and yah, we were the only two smokers in the crowd.

After just meeting the guy who was to later become the love of my life (and still is), I was full of the womanly urge to SHARE; every single detail of what he said or did. And really, back then, I was having a hard time dealing with every thing he said or did. Middle aged romance is fraught with twists and turns of the sort that young lovers don’t experience. After a marriage or two, that’s when it all begins. When a guy or gal in their 40’s or 50’s walks up to your door  and they’re lurching a little to the left, it’s usually because of all the baggage they’ve accumulated along the way.  And I’m not talking Samsonite.

So here I was pouring out my hopes and tears to this new friend, because she was like a new sponge. It was exciting talking to someone new about old stories. She was soaking up all my trauma and drama. Until the day she had to squeeze herself out. It was too much. I was too much. And she basically walked away from me to save herself.

With the luxury of hindsight I can see what I was doing. My fella was driving me insane with his antics and I NEEDED a sounding board; I needed my new friend to tell me what I wanted to hear. I needed her sympathy. I needed her validation that I was a good woman and he was an insensitive man. I needed to get the despair out of me and onto someone else before I died from it. Or that’s what it felt like at the time.

God I feel so ashamed when I think of it now. You know how good this woman was? During the Northeast Blackout of 2003, she was the only person who was worried enough about me to do something about it. My parents and best friend were out of town; but none of my other friends, relatives or even the “guy” came to see how I was faring. She came down to Toronto to get me, so at least I could have a cool place to stay and something to eat while they worked on getting the hydro back. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago when my best friend did me the biggest favour in the world. She too had had enough of my whining and what if’s. Unlike my yoga friend, this girl had had to listen to me drone on about the guy for far longer. I rationalized it by making sure I always asked about her day first before exploding with my problems. I was always the first to call on birthdays; the first to knock at the door when she was sick so I could help; but the negative influence of my insatiable need to “share” was beginning to outweigh the positive aspects of my nature. She sat me down and forbade me to talk to her about him ever again. It was draining her.

That was the day two things happened. I learned: a) to talk to him about what was bothering me instead, and b) to accept him and love him just the way he was. What a world of difference that made; for me and for him. All that time I wasted on getting feedback from gal pals could have been spent nurturing my relationship.

I’m very lucky I have such a wise and forgiving friend. If she hadn’t had the courage to stand up for her peace of mind, if she hadn’t trusted me to learn from this experience, I might have lost her too. She taught me, as I now teach others, to “feed” myself instead of always starving for attention and sympathy.

And when you think about it, no one, absolutely no one can tell you how to live or love better than you. Friendship is not only an arrangement between two like-minded souls to spend time together having fun and supporting each other through “real” crises; but it’s also a beautiful gift that you can never afford to take for granted. Also, it is through the loving of a friend, that you learn to give back as much as you’ve been given. There will be no more “choking off the supply” of love and satisfaction as Shakti Gawain concludes, ” When we find that place within ourselves that is giving, we begin to reverse the flow.”

(for more info visit lindakaban.com)

“Do you want to be the statue or the bird?”

I read that neat little piece of sophistry the other day and my inclination is to say the statue only because I don’t like the idea of pooping my way to glory. When I land on someone I hope to leave them smelling a little sweeter for my having been there. Being a statue however keeps you steady, standing, still.

What’s to choose from?

I signed up for an ecourse entitled, “The Pathway to Prosperity”. A man named F.W Sears wrote a book in 1914 called “How to Attract Success”. Here’s a bit of his philosophy……”the true law of success is….the law of harmonious attraction. Under this law, things come to us because they want to come and not because we make them come; they remain with us because they want to do so. Instead of working to control the other fellow, we learn to control ourselves and become so strong, powerful and harmonious in our attractive power that the things we want will want us so much that they cannot stay away.”

Way to be a statue F.W.

So let’s say I’m a statue, and because this is my fantasy I can make myself breathtakingly beautiful with a sweet and compelling smile etched onto my features. My hands are carved open and in a beseeching gesture; gold leaf covers me from head to toe and buffed to a brilliant shine. I stand there in all my attractiveness, but I don’t believe it was success that plopped onto my head; I believe it was last night’s dinner deposited by that go-getter dude with wings.

So now I’m the bird. I’m a hawk. My wings cut through the air and far below I spot….dinner. For the sake of my analogy, dinner is a mouse. My eyes never leave my prey and with a powerful and single-minded thrust I slam to the earth and that hapless mouse is mine. I tear him apart with beak and talon. Satiated and full of myself, I take off for a post dinner turn in the park and crap on the shiny golden statue standing there.

I know people like the statue and people like the bird. The statues are never going to get what they want out of life. The birds might, but then there’s another law as old as the one of harmonious attraction; the law of karma.

No wonder sophistry was condemned by Plato. You can’t answer the question without going a little crazy.

(for more info visit lindakaban.com)

Yesterday at 9:17a.m. I laid out my yoga mat and started with a series of Sun Salutations. I know a couple of you are going to snicker at the preciseness. I don’t blame you. It seems a little rigid, timing such a graceful, meditative practice. But I do that with all my exercise. I put on ABBA at 4:11 in the afternoon and danced for precisely 30 minutes. And last night I lifted weights for 27 minutes. Why do I do this? Because I keep a log. A log of the type and duration of my exercise. I found many years ago I respond best to this type of discipline and it has served me well.

As I was flipping up and down and breathing in and out, I was listening to Robin Sharma’s CD, “Extraordinary Leadership.” He talked about discipline and I felt a little tug of pride that I was performing at an elite level. But as the CD continued, I felt a little tug of alarm as well.

He was telling the story of his visit to a restaurant that had reached the height of its success, and seemed to be sliding in the customer service department. When Robin shared his experience with a business leader, the man explained to Robin that nothing “fails like success.” In other words, when success is achieved, complacency sets in and the downward spiral begins.

I began to think about that in terms of everyday life. You see, the reason for all the flipping around on the yoga mat and the weights and the cardio is because I’ve let complacency take the place of discipline and I’ve gained a whopping 8 pounds. More snickering I know. But 8 pounds to me might as well be 50. In 1995 I was over-weight and it took me a year, but I shed 40 pounds and managed to keep it off for 14 years with a lot of hard work and even more will power.

During the past year I have endured more stress and been more sedentary than ever before in my life. Exercise has been intermittent and every time I get up the steam to start over, I hit a snag; whether it be another job challenge or personal drama. Instead of working off stress in my sneakers or on the mat, I grab the (low fat) comfort food and moan on my couch. And don’t get me started about cortisol; that fat hoarding hormone which doesn’t know the difference between my stressing about money and an attacking sabre tooth tiger. It thinks it’s doing me a favour by storing the extra weight in case I need to draw on the reserves.

So I’m starting again. I expect better of myself and frankly I deserve the best. We all do.

Complacency is a tricky and potentially devastating state. How often do we take ourselves for granted? We go about our business day in, day out, doing the same things, saying the same things, eating the same things, watching the same shows…and another day goes by in a very short life. How often do we take the people we know or love for granted? As we all sneak little looks around the room, I’d say it was the majority of us. You know someone for years. You know their habits, likes, dislikes, thoughts and idiosyncrasies. You know what they like to eat, where they like to go, what they like to do. There’s no mystery, no surprises….or so you think.

I want you to try something. Look at your spouse, your kid, your friend, your lover or look at yourself in the mirror and say something totally unexpected. Something they wouldn’t expect you to say in a hundred years. Say something that you’ve kept deep inside you. Pry off the outer mask and let your bare face show. Why do you want to do this? Because within each one of us lives a soul that rarely dares to show itself. It’s the soul that loves and hopes so deeply that should you say the words you are longing to speak, you would double over with the pain of their release. We keep our desires, our hopes and our dreams bottled up so tightly, that to speak them would find us floundering in a whole new world. How could we stand to expose ourselves like that? Someone might judge us or laugh at us. How could we live with THAT?

Well, easily. I threw my mask away many years ago. I’m still here. I’m still loved. I’m still respected and honoured. I speak my love, I share what’s inside the deepest part of my soul and I’m not afraid of any of it. Complacency was very much a part of the first half of my life. I can look back and see where I could have stepped up or spoken out. I can see where I used silence, when all the while I was longing share my heart song.

Take a leap of faith today…do one thing or say one thought that frightens you to death…and leave complacency behind you. Life gets very interesting when you dare.

I receive an email every day from a guy I really admire, Brian Johnson. He’s the creator of Philosopher’s Notes. Well worth taking a boo at his website,  http://philosophersnotes.com/

It’s plain and simple, no frills, but the content, holy smokes!! Brian reads the books we all swear we’re going to make time for and he basically writes a Coles (Cliff) Notes version. Philosophy-to-go, because you can also download the MP3 version of each synopsis as well. Condensed knowledge, with Brian’s sense of humour and own depth of thought rounding out the experience.

So this morning I woke up to receive the quickie version of a Philosopher’s Note, called Big Ideas, of his latest read “Harmonic Wealth”.  James Arthur Ray was quoted by Brian as saying, “I’m a great believer in harmony, but balance is bogus. Many teachers talk about balance, and guess what? Not one of them is balanced.  I know, I used to be one of them. Balance in this world cannot be achieved so get over it. Think of a scale. In perfect balance, nothing’s happening. There’s no dynamism, no life, or vibrancy. Now think of a jazz band-the life and vibrancy are palpable aren’t they? The performers in this band have less to do with playing the melody as written and more to do with improvising. They give life to nuance and the music takes shape in the moment. Now that’s harmony.”

Now that is very interesting. I gotta give it to Brian. He has more than once shaken up my world view, and for the better. Another time I’ll talk about his devotion to “declarations” instead of “affirmations”; but for today I’m going to stick with balance.

I had was what undoubtedly one of the crappiest weekends in years. I got some news on Friday afternoon from someone I’m very close to that’s going to tear her world apart. During the conversation I called on every ounce of coaching lore I could remember so as to give this person not only a safe place to fall apart, but also a bedrock of strength to hold onto. It went well I think. Yep. She left the phone with an action plan she could hold onto as the one bit of sanity in an insane situation; and I even managed to get her laughing for a bit.

But when I hung up, I doubled over with the pain of what I knew was coming for her and her family. And that’s the way I felt well into Sunday. By that time I couldn’t take it anymore, so attempted to shut down the welling of emotion, by settling for just plain grim. I was trying to find a balance for myself, so that I could function without crying or lamenting, and maybe enjoy a little of the beautiful day that Sunday was.

By this morning I was exhausted, and it wasn’t until my Blackberry beeped with a text from my sweetheart, that I could see a little light creep into the dark corners of my despair. And then when he walked in with a goofy grin and a smacking kiss, I let go completely. I could have dragged him into it. He knows the person who called me in trouble. But I decided that talk could wait for another time, and I let myself get silly and giggly, and spent 3 glorious hours on the opposite side of despair.

James Arthur Ray may have something. Balance is not all the pundits crack it up to be.

Ours is a dualistic world. There is a heaven and an earth; female and male; sorrow and joy.

If we spend all our energy trying to walk the tightrope for fear of falling into a pit of sorrow let’s say; then when would take the chance of leaping off for joy’s sake?

(for more articles visit lindakaban.com)

Phil Keoghan is the host of that “amazing” reality series, “The Amazing Race.”

The native New Zealander more than walks his talk. In his book “NOW-No Opportunity Wasted”, he lets us visit his notion that none of us have to live SMALL lives.

He’s a bungee jumping, mountain climbing, parasailing, termite/slug eating, cobra blood drinking, iron man triathlon participant, husband, father and dreamer.

It all started the way most wake up calls come….when you’re about to lose something; in his case, his life. He was 19, scuba diving, cut off from his crew and running out of air. Imagine!!! 19 years old with all of it ahead of you and moments from death. Whatever deal he made with the devil or whatever solemn vow he made to God worked because he lived to see another day. And boy has he lived.

Ok. Not all of us are Phil Keoghans. Most of us don’t get the opportunity to kiss death on the cheek well before “our time” in our 70’s or 80’s.  Not all of us take even the threat of loss to shake us up. What? You’re losing someone you care about? To inattention or indifference….or most heart breakingly, to death. So what? There’s always someone else to fill the void. Isn’t there?

I’ve talked about our “throw away” world before and at first glance it seems that someone like Phil and other extreme adventure seekers are jumping from thrill to thrill in an effort to “escape”….because what they’ve got isn’t satisfying enough….because they can’t hang on to an experience long enough to savour the richness of it. People like this can come across as flaky and scattered. I don’t believe it for a minute. In the acknowledgement portion of his book, Keoghan first and foremost thanks Louise, his “best friend, fellow adventurer, business partner and wife.” He thanked his “beautiful and fearless daughter” for inspiring him every day.

This is not a man running away from life and responsibilities. This is a man INVOLVING himself in life in every way. From the heart opening adventures of committed love to life embracing adventures all over the planet.

I’m drawn to people like this amazing man. I’ve never done a bungee jump or sat down with a tribe of natives in the rainforest or eaten piranha soup (teeth and all), but I’d like to think I’m not afraid of the possibilities of attempting my own version of life enhancing adventures.

I want to take a long motorcycle trip through the mountains, never knowing what’s around the next bend in the road, until I gasp with the pleasure of seeing it.

Although skydiving’s never off the table, a hot air balloon ride would satisfy my immediate need to float high above the earth.

I’m not a runner but I want to compete in a walking marathon.

I want to perform “Patricia the Stripper” from Chris De Burgh’s Spanish Train album on stage, in front of a very large audience.

I’m not into sharks but would love to swim with dolphins.

I want to back pack across Tibet.

I want to give a speech on the same stage as my heroes, Deepak Chopra and Robin Sharma.

I want to go zip lining through the Costa Rican rain forest.

I want to go to the Adult Space Academy in Alabama.

Those are just a few. None of them death defying. I don’t need that to FEEL alive.

What I do to honour my life is to always have my foot hovering to take that LEAP OF FAITH. Because that’s what adventure and love need. You never know what’s going to happen if you take that leap; but you never know what’s going to happen if you don’t.

(visit lindakaban.com)

I was in a Sales class once when the teacher asked us to whip out a “mission statement”, just off the cuff.

With little time to think I wrote,

“To compassionately and patiently listen with an open heart and assist with my strength people who are in need of direction, who want to learn how to focus their energies and who are committed to realizing their dreams.”

I heard a collective “ahhhh” in the class after I volunteered to read it. Not the kind of ah that comes out when you see a baby playing with a kitten, but a sigh of wonder.

So it got me thinking again about what I want to stand for.

Just before class that morning I watched a student toss their cigarette on the ground. A common sight unfortunately, but what made it worse was the fact there was an ashtray right beside her. I looked down and saw dozens of butts littering the ground. More than dozens. I was rife with disgust. Not because of the smoking. Because of the total lack of respect. For our earth, for the well kept grounds on which the building stands, and for the wizened old man whose job it is to keep those grounds clean.

I was only a visitor for the 8 week project I attended, but I made a point of walking up to him a few days later and telling him that I always use the ashtray. His smile of gratitude could have lit up the sky. I felt deeply for this fellow who could barely speak English, who’s as small as a twelve year old and whose lot in life is to clean up after the thoughtless disregard of a bunch of smarmy, overfed Gen-Y’ers flaunting their undeserved, unearned sense of entitlement.

What are they going to stand for?

I was told by one of my classmates, “Linda you can’t save everyone.”

See, they got it wrong. It’s not that I want to save people as much as I want to beat some sense into them. Less Mother Teresa; more avenging archangel with flaming sword.

I WANT to stand for something.

I WANT to stand for hope and trust. Faith is their mother and I want to teach people not to be afraid to BELIEVE.

I WANT to stand for excellence. Who wants to get home after a long day and sigh with satisfaction, “Yep. I was mediocre again today. Well done.” I want to challenge people to see their own light.

I WANT to stand for and beside the people who own my heart. Nobody messes with me or mine and gets to call me friend if they do. Unacceptable.

What’s your mission statement? I’ll give you ten minutes to come up with something that defines your existence. If you include any of the following words, then you’re already on the road to standing for a life that will resonate long after it’s over:

Love. Hope. Faith. Trust. Compassion. Kindness. Forbearance. Brave. Patience. Laughter. Solution. Challenge. Believe. Soul. Husband. Wife. Lover. Mother. Father. Son. Daughter. Friend. Joy. Happiness. Good. Humour. Brilliant. Well Being. Balance. Achievement. Dream. Care. Passion. Abundance. Gift. Bliss. Direction. Aspirations. Courage. Strength. Ambition. Inspiration. Success. Idea. Wonder. Awe. Privilege. Charity. Noble. Spirit. Comfort. Vision. Focus. Power. Excitement. Adventure. Gratitude. Virtue. Enlightenment. Possibility. Commitment. Honour. Loyalty. Miracle. Cherish.

Peace,

Linda

“When a woman has owned her passionate nature, allowing love to flood her heart, her thoughts grow wild and fierce and beautiful. Her juices flow. Her heart expands. She has thrown off crutch and compromise. She has glimpsed the enchanted kingdom, the vast and magical realms of the Goddess within her. Here all things are transformed………when a woman rises up in glory, her energy is magnetic and her sense of possibility contagious. We have all seen glorious women, full of integrity and joy, aware of it, proud of it, overflowing with love. They shine.”

Powerful images woven by a modern-day philosopher/goddess, Marianne Williamson.

I laughed when I read her words.

Just the other day I wrote to a beloved exhorting him to be patient and compassionate while I healed from an unexpected state of sickness and weakness to my natural state……of shining.

Who talks like that? How many women recognize their own glow? I didn’t, until my late 30’s. When the face looking back at me from the mirror started to look less and less like a disappointed housewife and more like a mysterious, sensual, powerful being….I realized transformation doesn’t begin in the womb and end at puberty. I believe, if a woman is open to it, uncovering her own glory can happen now. Today. Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for? Permission? Are you going to sit down beside your partner and ask, “Honey? I’m going to start shining today. Is that ok?”

Marianne continues, “Women are not powerless. we just pretend we are. We do this in large part because we are afraid of the punishment inflicted on us when we dare to be who we really are…….In the wild we scream. We scream when we hurt, we scream when we give birth, we scream when we come, and that’s just the way it is. Now what kind of man can handle our passion…..? A princess attracts a prince and a queen attracts a king. Women who whine attract men who whine. Women full of the lioness heart attract men who are full of the lion.”

I read this perfect little book of Williamson’s and laughed ’til the tears came down my cheeks. I was tickled to read the words that I live by, written by another shining woman. I cannot compete with her wisdom; only do I want to share the idea that “A Woman’s Worth” is entirely in her own hands and well within her capacity to uphold.

I know women who shrink, who hold back, who settle and who cannot tell you the last time she knew joy. I feel for you. I really do. But I also want to kick your ass. Go to the mirror and look at the Goddess looking back at you. She wants you to shine.

“Far away there in the sunshine are my aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead.” That quote by Louisa May Alcott was an integral part of the first website I had created three years ago.

I had been laid off in November of 2005 after 16 years at a major Canadian utility and the modest severance was my ticket to pursuing some dreams I had been nurturing for many years. Already a yoga teacher, I wanted to take that experience to another level and achieve a certification as a Life Coach. So with my quickly dwindling payout I contracted a young fellow to craft me a website. Oh god, it was beautiful to look at. All pink and aqua, it was my very first venue as a blogger and writer.

What I remember most about that first year is the reaction to my blogs. Never a quiet woman, in fact quite bold with a laugh that I’ve been assured can rupture eardrums, I had never really spoken what was in my heart. Nobody really knew what made me, me.  So it came as a “mostly” pleasant shock to my family and friends that I was capable of weaving words into thinly disguised morality tales. Sometimes hilarious, sometimes poignant, my blogs were written to engage, provoke and teach.

Just this year, I retired my beloved website in favour of a DIY site where I can do more “stuff.”  It’s still www.lindakaban.com but much more of a workhorse than my pretty “showcase” ever was. And my blogs/articles  became such a blast since I started adding video/podcasting.

The certification as a Life Skills Coach and Facilitator came in 2007 and the formal establishment of myself as the sole proprietor of a coaching business followed a year after that. My readership was growing by leaps and bounds and clients were beginning to sign up.

In June of 2008, I was asked for an interview on Liquid Lunch on thatchannel.com. Shortly afterwards I began thinking I can do this, and after a meeting with the founder of the station, signed up to produce and host my own internet TV show called Dare to Dream. Besides putting my marketing dollars to work, the show was a a venue for entrepreneurs and dreamers alike. Networking galore!

Because of that show, because of my constant attention to moving myself up the google food chain, I was contacted by CBC television on New Year’s Eve to be part of a short piece on resolutions because they wanted a Life Coach’s take.

I’ve been interviewed, published, quoted, approached to write a small book on success techniques and NONE of this would have happened if I hadn’t had a dream. And more importantly, if I hadn’t taken the steps to make those dreams a reality.

Every single one of you reading this has a dream. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.  There’s something in you, a small tug at your heart or a big burning need to BE who you were meant to be.

You know, in that short biographical intro to me, it all rhymed off chronologically, nice and neat. Let me assure you the journey was anything but. For as many times as I touched the sunshine where my dreams live, there were all too many times I was practically buried beneath fear and despair.

Here, in this blog, my wish is to not only to inspire you to take the steps to achieve your highest aspirations, to give you some tools you’ll need to navigate your path, but to assure you, on those days when it all seems too much, that everything you do, every action you take will bring you that much closer to your dream.

Peace,

Linda